


take my whole life too

by starlightwalking



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: (if you squint. this fic is not that explicit), Beleriand, First Time, Goodbye Sex, Laws and Customs Among the Eldar Compliant, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mutual Hurt/Comfort, Secret Marriage, Sexual Content, Soul Bond, Spontaneous Marriage, Tenderness, Trans Maedhros, Trans Male Character, Wedding Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:42:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26739802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: The night before Maitimo leaves to the East, he proposes a solution to Findekáno's anxiety around their separation.
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Comments: 16
Kudos: 69
Collections: Anna's Trans Anthology





	take my whole life too

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this post](https://arofili.tumblr.com/post/630659023426961408/gloomycamomile-morgause1-evaunit-69-you), that one line in "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" (I mean..."take my hand"...c'mon y'all), and the absurd amount of hand puns that are possible with this ship.  
> Also influenced by [Blessed Hands](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20244364) wrt tone, and also just *clenches fist* my love for this ship in general.
> 
> I really should be working on my Finwean Ladies Week fics, and like, homework and stuff, but these two live rent free in my brain so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> so this _is_ smut, but I'm rating M because it's mostly Emotions, and it's not _that_ explicit  
> additionally - I wrote Mae as trans here, but that is similarly not really explicit, so read it however you'd like

“Findekáno,” he rasped, reaching out. “Finno, please.”

Findekáno halted, but he didn’t turn back. “Russo...”

“I know you... I know I can’t...” The words caught in Maitimo’s throat. Why was this so difficult? There was so much he wanted to say, to share, to confess, to beg for, and yet he couldn’t find his voice now, when he needed it most.

“I understand why you must do this,” Findekáno said softly, turning his head ever so slightly so that Maitimo could see the glint of his eyes in the dim torchlight. “I—you are right to do it. Truly, I ask too much of you, to stay here with me...”

His voice was low, words drowning in quiet sorrow, and Maitimo’s oft-broken heart broke again. He had hurt Findekáno too many times—even a single time would have been too many, but again and again he had chosen his father, his brothers, his Oath over his dearest love—and now he was doing it again.

“I wish I could,” he whispered. “Finno, I—I love you.”

Though they had been intimate since his recovery, this was the first time in many long years he had been able to say those words. At once Findekáno looked up, turning in full, eyes blazing with blue light—and then they dimmed again, and Maitimo choked back a sob. Why could he not do anything right? He only wanted Finno to be happy, he only wanted to see his smile.

No, that was not the truth. He wanted _so much more_ than that, but—but Findekáno’s joy was the most important.

“I love you too, Russandol,” he said softly. “But we both know that isn’t enough.”

Something about that struck Maitimo deep in his heart. Before he knew what he was doing, he fell to his knees before Findekáno, tears in his eyes, reaching for his hands, though he had only one of his own to give.

“If it is not, then I am lost,” he croaked. “Findekáno, you are more than half my hope. If I lose you, I—I am afraid of the creature I would become.”

For a moment Findekáno stared at him, and then he, too, sank to his knees. He cradled Maitimo in his arms, so strong for all he was so much smaller, and kissed his brow.

“I am sorry,” he murmured. “I was wrong to say that. Of course our love is enough. It has to be, for both our sakes.” He buried his face in Maitimo’s shoulder for a moment. “I fear I have lent you too much of my hope, dear Russo. I am supposed to be strong, and valiant, and yet I feel so _small_. So weak.”

Maitimo held him close, afraid that if he let go his heart would stop beating. “You are not weak,” he growled. “You are the strongest person I know. You came to my rescue with naught but your harp and your knife and you _saved_ me, Finno.”  
  
He felt Findekáno shudder and sob into his embrace. “And yet you will leave me,” he cried softly. “I know, I know you must, I know you have a duty, and I do too—but your chosen lands are so far away, Russo, and I must stay here. I feel so weak for my despair. We were separated for so long—it feels like I only just got you back—and now we shall be apart again, and I will not know if you are in peril or distress—”

“It’s alright to be afraid,” Maitimo whispered. “It’s alright. I’m always afraid. But I know you, Finno; you will not give up your hope. It is not who you are. After all I did to you, damning you to Ice and death and darkness, you still followed me, you still love me. If I know one thing it is that you love me. And—and that I love you.”

Findekáno kissed him, cheeks stained with tears, and Maitimo kissed him back desperately. On the morrow he would leave for the East, and he knew not when he would next see his beloved, but tonight—tonight they had each other.

“I cannot lose you,” Findekáno rasped between kisses, shifting so that Maitimo could straddle his lap. “Not again—I could not stand it—”

“Marry me,” Maitimo blurted out before he could think. “Findekáno, please—I need you, more than the air I breathe—I want you, I love you, and this way I will never lose you—”

Findekáno pulled back, eyes shining with tears, looking at him with wonder and desire. “Russo,” he whispered. “Russo.”

He kissed him again, hungrier this time, pushing Maitimo to the floor, and he felt dizzy—they had dreamed of this moment in Aman, when the future seemed brighter and their fathers’ feud sure to end and all grievances to be put aside in the name of love...

But this was not Aman: this was Maitimo’s room in the building that was to become his uncle’s castle, and Maitimo was no longer whole and lovely. But none of that mattered because Finno was here and Finno was kissing him and Finno loved him wanted him needed him even still.

“You have already taken my hand,” Maitimo whispered, “but I give the other freely, as I would have the first had I been coherent enough to understand.”

“Your—hand?” Findekáno looked down to where their fingers were twined.

“In marriage,” he teased. “I have no father or mother here for you to ask, after all, so I must give it to you myself.” He pressed the stump of his other arm against the bulge in Findekáno’s breeches, and his beloved moaned. “I hope you will not begrudge me my deficiency in this area, given you were the one who made me this way.”

“Russo—!” Findekáno exclaimed, mortified, but Maitimo only laughed and devoured his mouth in another kiss.

“So?” he hissed as Findekáno ground steadily against his thigh, and the thought of that movement against his bare skin, _inside_ him, heated his entire body. “Will you—?”

“Yes, of course,” Findekáno wept. “I—this is not how I imagined—but none of this is how anything was supposed to go, and if you truly must leave tomorrow I want it to be with the memory of our coupling aching within you...”

“Yes,” Maitimo gasped, “yes, Finno, _please_ —”

“Get up,” Findekáno said softly, stilling for just a moment. “Come—at least we shall have a bed—at least I can give you that—”

“You have given me more than I deserve,” Maitimo said, letting his beloved pull him to his feet and push him down into the bed that was not his any longer, for tonight it was _theirs_ and tomorrow it would be no one’s. “And all that I can ask for.”

“Russo, my Russandol,” Findekáno sighed, shrugging off his robe and unfastening his belt. “You deserve all of Arda; nay, all of Eä, and though I cannot cup the universe in my palms and offer it to you, I will give myself to you instead, every part of me.”

“Husband,” Maitimo said tenderly, reaching up to brush his face. “In Eru’s name I give myself to you, and let this vow hold stronger than the other I swore to Him.”

“In Eru’s name I make you mine,” Findekáno promised, beginning to work at divesting Maitimo of his clothes. “I swear I shall never leave you; our souls shall be as one—!”

“Take me,” Maitimo begged, his hand trembling as he tugged off his shirt. He gasped as Findekáno rid him of his pants, the cool night air sending a shiver down his spine and straight to his groin, but he felt chilled only for a moment because the next thing he knew Findekáno buried his face between his legs and heat consumed him.

“Take me,” he pleaded even as Findekáno kissed and sucked and licked his way down to Maitimo’s entrance. “Take my hand—take my whole life—take my heart, my fëa— _Eru_ , Finno, take my ass—”

Findekáno chuckled, a sound so low and filthy vibrating against his sex that Maitimo cried out and arched his back. He felt the beginnings of—of _something_ , bright and blazing, winding its way from Findekáno’s fëa to his own, and he reached out to grasp it, weeping with joy and love and all of Finno’s hope, hope that was now his own as he was Finno’s.

“Are you ready?” Findekáno murmured, lifting his head and meeting Maitimo’s eyes. He pushed first one finger and then another into Maitimo’s entrance, and he shuddered, wanting _more_.

Maitimo nodded fiercely, astonished at how beautiful his husband was in the glow of the marriage bond they were forging together. “ _Please_ , Findekáno,” he begged, and Finno pushed in another finger, stretching him. “Take me, make me yours as you are mine, bind yourself to me until the end of Arda—I shall _die_ if you do not—”

“Never,” Findekáno growled, pulling back his slick hand and positioning himself above him. “I will not allow it, not when I may so easily and joyfully prevent it.”

“Finno,” Maitimo whispered, and his husband pressed inside him and the world went bright as Finno’s shining golden fëa.

It was more, so much more than he could ever have dreamed—the union of their bodies was sheer ecstacy, but the joining of their souls was beyond description. He felt himself bleed into Findekáno, felt his hope and fear and love and despair, and later he would tremble at the thought that Finno doubtless saw into his spirit just as deep and true and yet did not flinch away. No, he drew _closer_ , twining his fëa with Maitimo’s, until they were inseparable, and he knew they always would be, no matter the distance between them.

Findekáno made love to him for what felt like an infinite stretch of time, an infinity of all-consuming oneness—and were they not closer to the One in His Timeless Halls now than ever before?—and Maitimo clung to him, meeting his every movement, feeling his every burst of pleasure, sharing his own delight. At long last Findekáno shuddered and spent within him, and Maitimo cried out his name as he reached his own peak, holding his husband tight, never wanting to let him go.

And even when Findekáno slipped out of him, curling up next to him and kissing his collarbone, his neck, his lips, Maitimo still felt his fëa, now connected to him in a bond unbreakable. He wept softly, his joy and relief too great to express verbally, but they needed no more words between them. Finno saw him, saw to the core of him, and the wonder of that knowingness echoed and amplified between them. In that moment Findekáno was his entire world, and nothing else mattered.

“I love you,” Findekáno murmured, stretched out on top of him, his body a blanket and his soul a comfort. “Russandol. My husband.”

Maitimo played with his hair lazily. “I wish we could have had a ceremony,” he whispered. “I wish...”

Finno silenced him with a kiss. “No use wishing for what we cannot have. And this—this is more than I ever dreamed of, even back in Aman. Russo, I...I _feel_ you, deep within me, and it is a feeling I know will never leave me.” He wrapped his limbs around Maitimo even tighter. “ _You_ will never leave me. Thank you for this...thank you. My husband. My love.”

Maitimo felt the same, and he shared that with his husband through their new-wrought bond, and their joy sparked between them.

“It is I who feels you deep within me,” he teased. “I shall feel it forever more, and dream of the next time we meet and come together.”

Finno laughed, the most beautiful sound Maitimo had ever heard, and all the better because _he_ had brought his husband such mirth. “We needn’t wait,” he rumbled, lifting himself off Maitimo. “The night is young...and I cannot contain my love, dearest Russandol.” Indeed, he was half-hard already, and Maitimo felt his own desire stirring.

“You know what I meant,” Maitimo said, but he rose to kiss his husband, and at once he could tell this second time would be fiercer, rougher, faster, and he wanted that just as much as he wanted the tenderness of their first union. “Nnng, _Finno_...”

Twice more they joined together, each time better than the last, but at last exhaustion overcame them and Maitimo drifted off into a sleep more peaceful than he had known since Angband, feeling safe with his husband in his arms.

When morning dawned, Maitimo kissed Findekáno sleepily before rolling out of their marital bed. He dressed himself and took a deep breath, staring at his bonded husband still snoring into the pillow, wondering how he could abandon him for the wasp’s nest of resentment that was his brothers. He had done this, had asked Finno to marry him, to make their parting easier, to make them feel close and connected even as distance separated them...but now he wondered if Finno had agreed because he had known the bond between them would ache so terribly that Maitimo would reconsider his choice to leave.

He hesitated long enough that Findekáno stirred. His husband stared up at him, eyes bleary, and sent a flash of worry through their bond. Maitimo’s fëa responded without thought, returning a flood of love and fear and worry and grief back to him, and before he knew it he was kneeling at the bedside and Findekáno was kissing him.

 _You must go,_ Findekáno said firmly, their minds close enough now to speak without words. _I knew that when I married you, beloved. This love—this bond between us—it is enough to keep me strong in your absence. And perhaps I shall be able to feel your spirit even across the mountains._

 _I don’t want to leave you,_ Maitimo cried. _Finno..._

 _Russo._ Findekáno ran his fingers through Maitimo’s hair. _You are so beautiful, my Russo. And I love you so dearly. But as much as it may feel that way, when it is just the two of us, we are not the only people in this world. You have a duty, love, as do I..._

 _Let me feel you once more,_ Maitimo begged. _Please, please, I need it...I need you..._

Findekáno was still nude, and as Maitimo bent to take his hardness into his mouth, he sighed, leaning back, letting his husband please him. _Thank you,_ Maitimo whispered through their bond, for this was as glorious to him as it was to his husband. _I want every part of you to know every part of me..._

It was over too soon—it would only ever be too soon; not even a coupling that lasted to the end of Arda would be long enough—and it was with the taste of Findekáno on his lips that Maitimo found the strength within him to rise and depart for the morning meal.

He avoided the glares and questioning glances from his brothers, brushed off questions as to where he had been the night before, and ate silently, his mind still connected to Findekáno’s. He could still feel his husband as he readied himself for the day, dressing himself and braiding his hair, and that was a comfort and a wonder. He would not allow bothersome brothers to ruin this feeling, nor guilt him for making Findekáno his husband last night instead of muttering alongside them. And indeed, he and Finno both relived their bonding in their memory, a sweetness shared between them, for no one else to know.

He would tell Makalaurë, at some point, he decided. And Carnistir, if he asked. But not the others; the twins would not care, and Curvo and Tyelko...well.

 _A good idea,_ Finno murmured across their bond, and Maitimo shivered slightly at this reminder that just as he could see into Findekáno’s soul, his husband could feel him too. _I shall tell my father, though not for some time, I think...and Írissë. Perhaps Lalwendë. But we have kept our relationship hidden thus far, and until it seems a safer time, I think we ought to keep it so._

Maitimo agreed, and he needn’t even respond for Findekáno to know that. How had they lived without this bond for so long? How had he endured life without Finno’s spirit so close to his?

 _It matters not,_ Findekáno said. _Only that we have this now, and ever shall._

The Fëanárion company was prepared to depart as soon as their lords were ready. In scarcely more than an hour since leaving his husband’s side, Maitimo found himself mounting his horse, looking East to new lands and new life.

The High King and his children arrived to see them off, and Maitimo wondered that no one else could see the shimmering gold of Findekáno’s fëa as he looked at him, and his answering copper flame reaching back to his husband. Each of his brothers nodded stiffly to the king, but Maitimo had eyes only for Findekáno. Even his gruff farewell to Nolofinwë was accompanied by only the briefest glances his way.

 _Be strong, my love,_ Findekáno whispered. _I will visit you as soon as I can. I promise._

 _You have my heart, always,_ Maitimo murmured back. _And I have your hope. That will be more than enough to sustain me, Finno. My life is yours._

An answering warmth from his husband told him all he needed to know: of course Finno felt the same. Of course he offered himself to Maitimo, fully and forever, and Maitimo’s reflection in Findekáno’s soul was so beautiful that he could not find it in himself to feel unworthy of such adoration.

“Let us be off,” he said to his brothers, because if he held onto Finno’s spirit a moment longer he would lose his resolve and ruin everything he had worked for, save his marriage.

And even as they rode away, Maitimo leading his brothers east into isolation, he felt Findekáno’s fëa warm and bright within him, and cherished that love and companionship that would never, _could_ never leave him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and please comment if you enjoyed!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/).


End file.
